Ask Cliterati: Why Doesn’t He Want Me?

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. Recently our sex life has become almost none existent. I’m confident that he isn’t seeing anyone else as between work and seeing me he has very little time to get up to anything. I have tried to talk to him about it but he has joked about me getting a lover and said that his sex drive just isn’t that big. However mine isn’t exactly massive! To be honest I miss the intimacy sex brings rather than the fucking itself. He says he still loves and fancies me and that he’s just tired. Am I simply worrying about nothing? The last thing I want to do is blow this out if proportion.

Well, Emma, conflicting sex drives is one of the most common problems in a relationship, particularly as they get more ‘serious’. One partner will end up ‘nagging’ the other for sex and the other will end up feeling like it’s a chore. It can also have a negative impact on self esteem, where the person asking for sex can end up feeling unattractive. Don’t! It’s actually very common indeed.

If he’s working a lot and tired then this will have an impact on his sex drive. Putting pressure on will (sadly) only make things worse. Rather than focussing on the sex act itself, try other intimate things. Kissing and cuddlng are much under-rated and if he realises that they don’t have to lead to sex then, strangely, that may be exactly where it does end up leading.

Depression and stress are other common inhibitors of the sex drive. Is he unhappy or stressed out? Sort those problems out and the sex will probably followOf course, there’s always the chance that your sex drives are just radically different. If it’s very important to you, you’ll need to look at the relationship and see if you’re prepared to make the compromise or whether it would be better to move on. Just don’t rush into anything – it could just be a temporary blip and in a few weeks time, you could be bouncing round the bedroom like bunnies.


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