Wise Council From Susan Quilliam: Sex After Childbirth, Is It the End of Lovemaking?

Hi Susan,

My darling daughter is a year old now, and I still don’t feel like having sex. My partner’s very patient, though he must be getting fed up with it – but there’s just no desire there any more and I can’t even think of myself as sexual. Is this the end of lovemaking for us?

Kelly

Hi Kelly,

Your story is so, so, sooooo typical. I run workshops on just this problem,. and the women (and men) I meet describe exactly what you are suffering. The issue may be down to a number of things – sheer exhaustion (or post birth pain); the pressure of having to look after a dependent new person; the adjustments that you and your partner are having to make to being parents. No wonder you don’t feel like lovemaking.

What to do? First have a thorough medical checkup just in case there’s still something wrong. But then try to rethink who you are – not just a mother but also a lover. And talk to your partner about what’s happening – if you can’t make a sexual connection, at least make an emotional one to keep the two of you close while you regain desire. And try to create sexual moments – touching, being naked in bed, even giving to your husband even if you don’t feel like taking for yourself – to remind your body and your mind of how wonderful lovemaking can be.

It will help to see a counsellor: www.relate.org.uk – and to read the book Babyshock by Elizabeth Martyn, published by Vermilion and written in conjunction with relate. (You might also consider coming to one of my workshops: www.theschooloflife.com) Above all don’t give up – this is not the end of your sex life!

Susan Quilliam also offers email, phone and face-to-face coaching on relationship and sexuality issues. Contact her here.

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