Columns: Light Relief by Drunken Slut Mum

As the hours of daylight start to dwindle, light and dark spring to mind as today’s theme.

Before The Man, just the thought of sex in the light – be it daylight or with the light on – made me want to put on an extra cardigan. In the early years with The Ex it was rarely suggested, but then any hint of it was largely supressed by me, quickly turning the light off or saying I was too busy with the ironing. Even though it had happened with other people before him, I suddenly seemed to not want to be seen.

But this all changed with The Man. The light was always on and doing it in the daylight became a sought-after opportunity (well, doing it whenever in fact).

Our daytime fun was at its peak when his luck, in landing a regular few days a week working from home, happened to coincide with me having some leftover holiday I needed to take. How handy that I could just drop the kids off at the childminder’s then pop round to his without anyone knowing! Morning coffee and ‘morning glory’ all under one roof!

Time was precious so we would go straight upstairs and make the most of a couple of hours. I remember one morning getting sticky and slippery in more ways than one as he drizzled baby oil all over me and slid up and down my body. We just had to follow this with a warm, steamy shower together – what else could I do?

The only awkwardness was afterwards when, with my hair still limp and wet, I had to go to the Co-op for milk and saw one of the school mums there.

A daylight seeing-to was probably on my imaginary to-do list which made me also think about what else would be on my bucket list of must-do shags. Here are 10 to start with:

  1. On a washing machine on spin cycle – neither of you would have to move too much – just slot the toad in the hole and let the machine do the work.
  2. On the roof of a very tall building. Not near the edge – I’m not a complete nutter – but just open, exposed to helicopters and planes, but no one else, which is why the building has to be very tall.
  3. In the sea or swimming pool – I’ve yet to master how this can be done well, but must try as water turns me on for some reason. Maybe I was a fish in a former life.
  4. In a stationery or cleaning cupboard at work – I know this is a total TV/film/sitcom cliché but I’d like to try it, even if a broom handle was getting in the way.
  5. With two men – but not like in porn footage where there’s an arse man and a front bottom man. The arse man always seems creepy when he turns up late to the party. Plus I’d want to do it differently anyway.
  6. In a really expensive hotel room with a Jacuzzi and lots of plush bedding and rugs – God knows how this would be funded, but I fancy being holed up in a room for a few days like that Robert Redford film – ‘Barefoot in the Park’. Not that I’d want to be in there with Robert Redford – not these days, anyway.
  7. In a car in the middle of nowhere – some rugged countryside somewhere and in a car with seats that recline, of course – I don’t want to set off the horn with my bum. Well not that kind of horn, anyway. For some reason, never done it in a car.
  8. Very messy, covered in cream, chocolate, syrup, whatever, rolling around somewhere that can get dirty without involving me washing it. I just love the thought of sticky bodies sliding together, inside and out.
  9. In a lift, just going up and down for as long as we need to and still being able to press the button to shut the doors on each floor we land at.

10. In a zero gravity simulator – this would be a challenge I’d happily take on – the only worry would be what would happen to the semen if he came – would it just float in the air like a milk cloud?

There are probably many more floating around in my subconscious, but other ideas are welcome…

 

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