Wise Counsel From Susan Quilliam: I’ve Gone Off Having Sex

Hi Susan,

I’m a man in my twenties and all of a sudden, about two months ago, I completely went off sex. I love my girlfriend to bits but when it comes to desire, there’s none. I’m not under stress either – we’ve had a good summer, have been away for a month together and now we’re both into our jobs and having a great time. But to be honest, I couldn’t really care less whether I ever made love again. It’s weird.

Phil

Hi Phil,

Most of the questions I get sent to me about sexual problems are down to emotional issues or partnership issues. I advise people to go see their doctor just to rule out physical causes, but I usually expect that a checkup will show nothing medically wrong. In your case, though I doubt if it’s anything serious, I think there may actually be something wrong.

Problems that occur because of emotions or relationships typically happen over time. They develop slowly, as the anxiety or the anger or the grief build up and make sex less enjoyable. They get worse as the unenjoyable sex starts to create even greater stress – so that in the end even the thought of making love is a pain.
Where a sexual problem happens fairly suddenly, it’s because there’s been a sudden change – and that’s usually a physical change. Maybe you caught a bug on holiday, maybe a medical condition has started to affect you. Don’t panic – it’s unlikely to be serious if you’re not noticing any other symptoms. But loss of desire can be an early flag of a medical issue. So I would advise you to pop along to your doctor as soon as you can and insist on a really thorough check up.

Susan Quilliam also offers email, phone and face-to-face coaching on relationship and sexuality issues. Contact her here.

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