Wise Counsel From Susan Quilliam: Am I Gay?

Dear Susan

I’ve always fancied girls as well as boys, and have had some one-night stands and a few longer relationships over the years with women as well as with men. But now I’m deeply involved with a guy. He knows about my leanings, but we are very much in love and he is even suggesting we get married. My heart says yes. my head is wondering whether, as I fancy both genders, will I be able to settle down to a standard marriage. Help!


Dear Tanzy

I think you’re absolutely right to hesitate over marriage – it is (or should be) a huge commitment and one that, as the ceremony says, should not be ‘undertaken lightly’. Your feelings for your partner will either develop or fade over time and it will become clearer to you whether marriage is something you can succeed at. But until you’re sure that you can love your partner fully, deeply and with at least the intention of ‘for ever’, then I’d hold back from the wedding.

That said, I don’t think that bisexuality in itself is a reason to hold back. Everyone has the potential to be unfaithful to their spouse, to fancy others, to sleep with others – what differs with you is only that you have a wider choice of people to be unfaithful with! So long as your partner is comfortable with that, there is no issue.

Of course, if what you’re really saying is that you clearly prefer women to men and would be marrying a gender you don’t desire, then no. But if it’s simply a question of feeling tempted by both genders, then I don’t see that as a problem.

Susan Quilliam also offers email, phone and face-to-face coaching on relationship and sexuality issues. Contact her here.

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