Wise Counsel From Susan Quilliam: Should I take the job?

Dear Susan

My wonderful girlfriend has just announced she’s in love with someone else. We’ve had a long-distance relationship for nearly two years and were planning to move in together over the summer when I finish Uni – I’ve got a job in the town where she is studying. But she’s started a relationship with her (married) tutor and is now saying that though she cares for me still, she’s not ready for us to live together. So should I still take the job to be near her; it’s unlikely that she and her tutor will last, surely? Or should I give up the job and dump her? I’m so confused.


Hi Damian

There’s two issues here – the job and the relationship. Let’s deal with them one by one.

As to the relationship, I think you’re on a hiding to nowhere here. Even if your girlfriend falls out of love with her tutor – or he turns her away – it’s clear that her love for you has gone, even if she doesn’t realise that yet.

My guess is that there was commitment between you, but long-distance relationships often don’t survive being together full-time. And now that the two of you are considering 24/7, my guess is that your girlfriend has panicked. Whether or not she realises it, her fling with her tutor is her way of backing off from your relationship,

I know you probably hope she’ll change her mind and you’ll have a future again. But even if that happens, your relationship will be based on very rocky ground. You do need to end it.

But do you need to walk away from the job? In this economic climate, that may be a bad decision, as you may not find anything else. If so, or if this job is one you will absolutely love and thrive in, then I’d go for it. The town you are moving to is surely big enough for both you and your ex.

But if you are only taking the job to be with her – and if you can find another good job – then I would do that. Make a clean break here, and start your new working life with a new single status.

Susan Quilliam also offers email, phone and face-to-face coaching on relationship and sexuality issues. Contact her here

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