Wise Counsel From Susan Quilliam: It wasn’t casual sex for me

Hi Susan

I just got really put down by a guy I met at the weekend. We clicked in a club, went home together, but then – guess what – he didn’t call. When I eventually called him, he muttered something about both of us having agreed it was a one-night stand. I never agreed anything – so what is he on?


Hi Chrissie

Yes, the different genders do miscommunicate. And the different genders still do have very different ideas about what having sex means. My bet is that you followed your heart – or other parts of your anatomy – and did what you wanted to do. But precisely because you wanted to do that thing, you wanted to do it in the future and expected that your new guy would feel the same. He, on the other hand, felt that it was only physical and therefore there would be no future. Oops.

We’re living in an age of double, and mixed, standards. On the one hand we love to have lots of good sex, even if we’ve only just met. On the other hand we want sex to mean something – and we tend to think that sex when we’ve only just met doesn’t mean very much. (Sadly, too, women are judged more harshly than men, and get more approval for holding back.)

I’m not in any way suggesting you shouldn’t sleep with a man when you want to. But you might want to check out expectations first, so that you agree what sleeping with him means about whether you’ll see each other again.

Susan Quilliam also offers email, phone and face-to-face coaching on relationship and sexuality issues. Contact her here

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