Wise Counsel From Susan Quilliam: How do I get her to commit?

Hi Susan

I’ve been single for a while and before that I was in a relationship that wasn’t all that good for me. My partner never gave me much attention and really didn’t seem to value me. In the end, she left for someone else and I was devastated. Since then I’ve found it really difficult to be attracted to other women even though there’ve been lots who’ve been attracted to me, and even when I’ve allowed myself to get intimate I haven’t got aroused.

Now I’ve met someone who absolutely does it for me. The sex is amazing, I climax reliably, and I  know that I do it for her too. Problem is, in between meetings she often doesn’t get in touch for a week or so and when she does it’s often at short notice – she comes round, we go to bed, then she leaves again. After three months I’m longing for it to turn into something  more serious but I don’t know how to move it on. How can I tell her that I really, really want her?


Hi Lucy
This woman already knows that you really, really want her. She knows that because you’re happy to have sex with her whenever she wants it, to accept that there’s not much in between the sex sessions and that she can come and go as she pleases.
What she doesn’t know is that you want it to be more than that. And you do need to tell her – to have a heart to heart that states clearly and directly that you want an emotional relationship as well as a physical one. So pluck up your courage and, next time she comes round, tell her the truth.
However… there are many dangers in doing that. The first and very real danger is that if you push for commitment,  this woman will leave. To be frank, if she wanted more than sex, then three months into your meetings she would be in touch much more more often, she’d be wanting to spend time with you outside the bedroom, she’d be building a romantic relationship rather than just a sexual one. If you call her on that, it may be a deal breaker.
There’s another issue too – that if she does agree to a relationship with you you’ll end up in yet another situation where you are doing all the giving and all the trying, and where you feel just as insecure as you did in your last partnership. (It could even be that this insecurity is what’s making the sex work – anxiety can raise desire as well as lower it!)
I am not, repeat not, suggesting that you brought this situation on yourself. I am suggesting that you are settling for someone who doesn’t care for you as much as you care for them – and that a relationship with this woman is not necessarily your next best step.
I’d end it with her. Then I’d aim at having a relationship with a woman who really values you, with whom you can get to a point where you can receive affection (and sexual fulfilment) as well as give it. This might mean working with a counsellor to resolve past issues – but it will be worth it. You deserve a relationship where you are loved as much as you love.

Susan Quilliam also offers email, phone and face-to-face coaching on relationship and sexuality issues. Contact her here

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