Wise Counsel From Susan Quilliam: Don’t make me give him oral sex

Hi Susan

I’ve never liked giving men oral sex. Putting my mouth so near where their urine comes from seems to me to be a step too far, and the thought of swallowing cum is horrendous. But of the five partners I’ve had, 100% have wanted oral sex and one of them, my very first boyfriend, broke my heart when he left me because I wouldn’t deliver.

My latest relationship could well be coming to grief for exactly this reason. I’ve been with Jon for three months and I  think he believed that my objections were going to fade as time went by. And yes, I love him to bits and really want to please him – but when I tried sucking him the other day, I very nearly threw up.

The final straw was when he commented, afterwards, that semen helps stave off depression and that if I did a bit more oral sex I might be more fun in bed! Aaargh….

Sharon

Hi Sharon

Facts first – the semen-happiness link isn’t really proven. There has been a suggestion that intercourse without a condom, where semen enters the vagina, can be linked with a reduced rate of depression in women. But that suggestion is based on limited research and there’ve been no studies linking happiness with semen swallowed in oral sex. (Plus, of course, even if the suggestion is true, having unprotected sex unless you’ve both been tested is likely to lead to infection and that won’t make anyone happy!)

But I guess Jon’s comment was not meant to make a scientific point, but to show you how strongly he feels.  And I suspect there’s a good deal of strong feeling flying around this issue!

I can sympathise with both of you. If you enjoy receiving (or giving) oral sex, as many men and women do, then not having it as part of a sexual relationship is a disappointment. But if you hate giving (or receiving) oral sex, as many men and women do, then the thought of including it as part of a sexual relationship is horrendous and often a deal-breaker.

You yourself have two clear choices here. The first is to decide – and I would support you in this decision – that you are going to find a partner who doesn’t need you to perform oral sex. Someone who happy to have other sorts of sex with you, and thinks that the ‘package’ of all the other things you bring to the relationship – your looks, your intelligence, your personality – is absolutely worth the trade off. You may have a bit of a search to find such a partner, but there are men out there who feel like that and one of them will be right for you.

Your other option – and I would support you equally in this decision too – is to decide to change your feelings about oral sex. I do think that therapy might help you see things differently; your being left by your first boyfriend was clearly so traumatic and hurtful that it has affected you and resolving that could go some way towards helping you resolve your feelings about oral sex.

Let me be clear here. I don’t mean that there’s anything wrong with hating oral sex and that you need counselling because you are somehow wrong, weird or mad because you do hate it. I don’t mean that you have a duty to learn to like oral sex – particularly if a man makes his love conditional on your doing so. And I don’t mean that you should simply decide to deliver oral sex even if you hate it. But if you want to be more comfortable with all this, then professional help could be a way forward. The College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists www.cosrt.org.uk has a list of counsellors who can help.

Susan Quilliam also offers email, phone and face-to-face coaching on relationship and sexuality issues. Contact her here

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  • I don’t mean to judge but would like to point out that the mouth is the dirtiest organ in the human body and contains the most germs and bacteria. Urine is a natural disinfectant and semen has antibacterial properties.

    Having said this, any man who claims to be unable to love you due to your inability to service all of his needs does not love you. I have had relationships with and loved men who did not perform oral on me, nor did I ever inquire as to why they did not give me oral, it was a non-issue and irrelevant to the relationship. I assumed that whatever was available was forthcoming and if not forthcoming I would not want it.

    My suggestion is that when you are under less psychological pressure you might want to work on some of your oral phobias but I would not go out of my way for this one as in all likelihood he is not “the one”.

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