Columns: A fan(ny) for all seasons

Those of you who live in warmer climes (I know I have at least one Australian reader) will have to forgive my indulgence this week. Warm weather in the UK is so rare that people act oddly at the slightest sniff of sunshine, ripping their clothes off, jumping into rivers even when they are too shallow and declaring a drought when it has rained for the last six months.

So, in the midst of a ‘heatwave’ us Brits also find ourselves a little frisky, as we are wearing fewer clothes and cracking open the beer or Pimms at least an hour earlier than usual. In the true spirit of sweaty arm pits, non-air conditioned offices and lily-white legs sporting the socks-and-sandals combo, I feel it my duty to compile a hot versus cold weather sex list. All scientifically proven, of course (or maybe not).

  1. Hot: It’s possible to have sex outdoors without anything shrinking. Cold: Sex al fresco is not very inviting, but at least with the extra darkness, you can do it in the shadows.  And with some brandy inside, you may not feel the chill.
  2. Hot: On a similar theme, there are suddenly more possible locations where one can copulate – be it in a field, on a tree trunk, park bench, swimming pool, Rhododendron bush, allotment or garden shed. Cold: Unless you are happy to freeze your bits off the most likely place is in bed, on a sofa or rug in front of a roaring fire.
  3.  Hot: It’s easier to whip your clothes off for a ‘must do it now’ moment as you’re probably only in a little sun dress or bikini (and that’s just the men). Cold: With all those layers it can be time consuming and frustrating stripping off. His army may have even retreated before you reach your vest. One leg out of trouser and knicker is a possible way around this.
  4. Hot: Shagging in high temperatures can be very tiring with excessive perspiration before you have even reached ‘second base’, so you could find yourselves collapsed on the bed/floor/field/shrubbery very early on. Cold: You need to go at it hammer and tongs just to keep warm and only feel chilly when you have finished, which means you at least have an excuse to cuddle and snuggle under a duvet.
  5. Hot: Summer always makes me hornier, especially when the air is heavy with humidity and I am so hot that my clothes are virtually peeling themselves off. Cold: Winter means the run-up to Christmas with parties and opportunities to go out for a few drinks and try to attract the attention of a chosen target. Such evenings are bursting with hope, possibility and excitement.

Conclusion: You should know by now that there never is a clear conclusion to these lists. Maybe, rather than the two extremes, we should focus our attentions on autumn and spring. Or maybe we should enjoy having our fancies tickled whatever the weather. As long as the man behind the tickling stick knows how to use it (much appreciated, The Man).

Catch my blog – drunkenslutmum.co.uk

Posted in Cliterati Magazine and tagged as , , , ,
2 comments Submit a comment
  • Elizabeth. commented on September 27, 2013 at 22:40

    Hi I prefer doing it in the winter in a warm bed or in a living room but not too close to the fire i hate the heat. Dont know if you remember me but i posted a while ago under one of your other blog posts. Im the woman whos in a sexless marriage, Currently been on a healthy eating and excsersise plan and have lost half a stone Not much but a start,
    Problem is i can feel my sex drive inceasing more already But i will cross each bridge as i come to it.

  • Hi Elizabeth.

    Good to hear you are doing well with diet and exercise. I hope things continue to go in the right direction for you.

    DSM x

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *