Wise Counsel from Susan Quilliam: I want more orgasms more often

Hi Susan

I noticed that it was National Orgasm Day a while back, and that made me realise that I’m absolutely fed up with not having as many climaxes as I’d like. My man and I work really hard, get not much time together and when we do make out it’s usually late at night and we both want to get to sleep. So our default option is usually to go for his climax and not mine. On the one hand I’m Ok with this – I take for ever to come and it’s boring for both of us to keep going for hours. On the other hand, it’d be really good to get more of the action. Any suggestions?


Hi Laura

I’m assuming that the problem here is not that you can’t come at all, nor that your man can’t deliver what you need in order to come. I’m assuming that the issue is simply the mismatch between the time you have available and the time it takes for you to climax. And – good news – there’s lots you can do about this.

Cliche though it is, your first option is to take more time – carve it out of your day, regardless. Go to bed earlier. Set the alarm or the morning. Have sex when you get in from work. Spend a whole day in bed at the weekend. One tip I often recommend is that if you have time to spare at any point during the day then, even if you don’t feel like having sex there and then, spend five minutes getting raunchy and see what happens. Mysteriously, you can often find that once your lust gets going, you can make the time!

Second option is to shorten the period it takes you to orgasm. Often it’s a case of foreplay – a woman’s body in particular needs attention and stimulation if she’s to tip over the edge, and maybe the two of you have been neglecting that bit. It doesn’t have to be your man’s job only – you may know better than he does what gets you close to the edge, so help yourself along. And experiment with different moves – touches, strokes, positions – that you know will speed you up.

In particular, look at the rhythm you’re using. Sometimes too hard, too fast, too regular can be a turn off for a woman, and then there’s no way she’s going to come easily. So make it gentle, slow it down. break the rhythm to keep your body interested in what’s happening. That may be all you need to tip over.

Finally, relax. Recent research suggests that women simply can’t climax unless the ‘vigilance’ part of the brain is switched off. So if you’re worrying about coming – or worrying about work, family and what you’re going to have for supper – then you won’t be able to orgasm. The  more you can relax and be in the moment, the easier it will be.

So look at the new ideas about “mindful sex”, where you learn to concentrate on your sensations and so feel them more intensely. The Joy of Mindful Sex by Claudia Blake published by Perseus Books is a great place to start.

Susan Quilliam also offers email, phone and face-to-face coaching on relationship and sexuality issues. Contact her here

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