I’m with a lovely guy and outside the bedroom we get on really well – lots in common, he makes me laugh, he treats me like a princess. Inside the bedroom it’s a bit different; whether he’s inside me or I’m delivering oral, he lasts for about 60 seconds, then we’re done.
Yes, he always returns the favour with interest, but I do like screwing! He says he’s always been like this and it doesn’t worry him particularly. I’m not giving up on him, but how can I help him last – at least long enough for me to start enjoying it!
There are two issues here – whether your man can last longer, and whether he wants to. Let’s deal with the second one first!
It’s unusual for a man not to want to last a long time – it’s typically seen as a sign of virility, which is why so much attention is given to ‘premature ejaculation’ in the sex therapy world. But if your man is used to coming quickly, if he’s found other ways to please a partner, and if his partners have been happy with that, then likely he’s content with the status quo. Which means he’s never been motivated to change.
So it’s really down to you to provide that motivation. Have you explained to him how you feel? Have you helped him to really understand how much his coming quickly frustrates you? If not, then – without blaming him – it’s worthwhile having a serious conversation about ways he can extend his performance.
Which brings us to the second issue, of how he can extend if he wants to. There are practical things he can do but often these come with their own problems. Anaesthetic creams will slow down your responses as well as his. Medications such as antidepressants are available on prescription only – buying them illegally not only breaks the law but may mean you get substandard drugs. Antidepressants may also lower his libido in general.
But all these solutions are going to address only the top level symptom and so only sort things short-term. So what are the root causes of your boyfriend’s quick climax? We used to think that premature ejaculation was down to a man’s not learning control – now it seems possible that some men are genetically built that way, and the fact that you boyfriend’s never ever been able to hold back suggests that he’s could be a natural ‘quick comer’.
Even if he is, however, it will be possible for him to master control skills, by being more aware of when he’s about to come, by practising holding back, by learning to stop and start. You can get guidance for this from a book – try The Multiorgasmic Man by Mantak Shia and Douglas Abrams Arava (Thorsons 2001). But far better is to take a few sessions with a sex therapist who can give personal guidance.
Do you think your partner would agree to this? If not, and given he doesn’t have a problem with the situation, there may be little more you can do. But if, knowing that his lasting longer would make yours a pretty perfect relationship, he’s willing to see a therapist, then there’s a very good chance of sorting this out.
Susan Quilliam also offers email, phone and face-to-face coaching on relationship and sexuality issues. Contact her here