Wise Counsel from Susan Quilliam: I don’t want to talk about it!

Hi Susan,

I love my new man to bits, but he really gets off on discussing sex.
Every time we make love he wants to tell me what he liked - and he
seems quite astonished that I don't do the same. He's not complaining
or asking me to do anything different, but I can tell that he really
likes talking things through after the event. But I've never
particularly wanted to go into detail about what I do in bed; to me
sex is all about the feelings not the words, and analysing it all to
death is a real turn off. How can I get my man to stay quiet (or how
can I free myself up around sex talk.)


Hi Patti
Well done for realising that there's actually nothing wrong with your
man's wanting to talk about sex - and equally there's nothing wrong
with your not wanting to talk about it. Because this really is just a
matter of personal style.

He finds it really erotic to talk through what you just did to each
other. Plus, my bet is that he's also found in previous relationships
that it's a good way to get quality in bed - every time he tells a
partner what made the earth move for him, she's going to be motivated
to repeat that killer tactic.

On the other hand, you find all this distracting, and that's fine too.
(Plus there's the danger that talking about lovemaking can turn into
whinging about it, so "When you sucked me off I loved the way you used
your tongue" can end up as "When you sucked me off you didn't do it
the way I like it!")

The way forward here is to balance out a bit of erotic talk with lots
of erotic action. So don't let the chatting take over from the
smooching, but do be willing to listen attentively to your man's
reprising lovemaking; it could well get him so aroused that he wants
to go again.

I'd also - even if it means taking a deep breath and summoning up all
your courage - try telling him what you really like about what he
does. Don't fudge it and pretend you liked something when you didn't,
but do sometimes go into detail about just what worked for you. It
sounds as if your new man is perfectly willing to be coached into
being your perfect lover. What's not to like about that?


Susan Quilliam also offers email, phone and face-to-face coaching on relationship and sexuality issues. Contact her here
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