Wise Counsel from Susan Quilliam: Will our long-distance relationship work out?

Dear Susan,

My boyfriend and I have had a long-distance relationship for 19 months – we’re at Uni at opposite ends of the country. But since we went back this year, things have changed. He doesn’t Skype as often, and when he does he’s a bit distant. Last time I rang, his flatmate got quite flustered and said Matt had gone down the pub…

I’ve asked him if there’s something wrong but he just pleaded exam pressure. I’m sure he’s found someone else but just doesn’t have the guts to tell me. I love him dearly and really wanted us to make it work. Do you think it’s still worth trying?

Tanya

It certainly sounds to me as if your boyfriend is not as keen as he was. So you’re right to challenge him on what’s happening.

But it may not be that he’s found someone else – it might simply be that the pressures of a long-distance relationship are too much for him. It’s hard to keep close, even  when the exciting adventure of University is making you both want to concentrate on what’s happening in your own lives not in each other’s!

I’d wait until you’re back together at Christmas, and then have a heart to heart. if your boyfriend admits that he’s lost interest, it is best to let him go. You can’t force him to care for you – and though you may have been madly in love when you met all those months ago, now you may simply have grown out of each other.

On the other hand, if you both want to stay together don’t give up. Instead start talking about how to stay strong even though you’re apart. More weekends together? Spend all the vacations with each other? Start making plans to be together once you;ve finished studying? If you’re both motivated, then even though you’re apart now,  it’s entirely possible you can be together long-term.

Susan Quilliam also offers email, phone and face-to-face coaching on relationship and sexuality issues. Contact her here

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