Wise counsel from Susan Quilliam: I’m having regrets about the break-up

I was so sure that it was right for my ex and I to break up. Since we met four years ago, I’ve taken my degree, started work, got a promotion and moved into my own place – while he’s still struggling to get a qualification. It felt as if I was leaving him behind as I grew up and when I ended it, though he was gutted, I didn’t have a single regret.
But three months on and I’m having doubts. It’s hard being alone and I miss his company. We’re meeting up next weekend for me to give him the last of his things back – and I’m tempted to suggest we start again. Should I?
You need to be very sure about getting back together with your ex. It sounds to me as if when you ended the relationship you did so for good reasons. The changes you went through have made you a very different person and if he hasn’t kept up then the likelihood is that the two of you simply aren’t compatible any more.
But also,  what’s making you hesitate now isn’t realising that this guy is the love of your life – it’s sheer loneliness. And yes, it’s tough being on your own after four years partnered – but that doesn’t mean to say that being with your ex is the right thing. Once being back with him has taken the edge off being lonely, you’ll start to remember all the ways in which you still don’t fit, and start having doubts again.
The third and perhaps most important reason for not dashing back into your ex’s arms is for his sake. He suffered when you split, but three months on he’s probably just about recovering. If you start over and it doesn’t work out long term, he’ll suffer twice as much – and that really isn’t fair on him.
My advice is to meet your ex briefly at the weekend, give him back his things and wish him luck.  And then, put all your energy into making your new single life work!

Susan Quilliam also offers email, phone and face-to-face coaching on relationship and sexuality issues. Contact her here

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