Wise Counsel from Susan Quilliam: I want a better sex-life!

Hi Susan!
Definitely got my New Year Resolution sorted – it’s to have a much, much better sex life with my partner. At the moment, though we love each other, love our little boy, and are each other’s best friends, we simply don’t get round to lovemaking more than about once a week. How can we up that rate, and have a wilder, more passionate sex life?
The good news is that – according to the latest nationwide research – your ‘once a week’ isn’t far below the norm for most couples. The bad news, though, is that most couples, like you, want to make love more than once a week. So how can you do that?
The first thing that’s probably getting in the way is that you live busy lives – as we all do nowadays. So you don’t have lots of free evenings that you can spend swinging from the chandeliers.  You actively have to carve out time for sex – make a date for it. Research suggests that it’s easier if you don’t only mark out one night a week,but also take a longer time without too much to do – if possible, a whole day or even weekend – to allow yourselves to wind down and start feeling aroused.
The second thing that may be stopping you having sex is that if you’re not doing it all that often, your bodies will have low motivation. Lots of couples get in a rut where they don’t touch, don’t get sexual with each other on a regular basis, and so when the time comes to have sex they’ve forgotten how good it can be. So start reintroducing passion into your everyday lives. Hug more. Kiss more. Have a snog when you’re watching television. If possible, sleep naked. Remind yourselves what’s good about making love with each other.
Finally, take opportunities for sex when they happen. So if one of you feels like getting down and dirty, however unaroused the other feels, then grab the moment. Even if only for a while, be willing to start getting aroused. Take five full  minutes to kiss and touch – and see how that feels. Almost always, after that five minutes, you;ll want to carry on!
I wish you every good fortune with your new year’s resolution. Go girl, go!

Susan Quilliam also offers email, phone and face-to-face coaching on relationship and sexuality issues. Contact her here

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