Column: Round robin / revelation

Dear __

As we come to the end of another year, it’s time for my annual update on the Nooky-Hill family. I do hope you and yours are all well and looking forward to the festive season.

I have had an eventful year to say the least.

Currently, I am writing this from a locked bedroom. Roxanna, who is now 16, is not speaking to me and we are avoiding each other around the house, reasons for which I will go into later.

So, I hear my husband Trevor is fine and recovering well from the shock of events earlier in the year. I know many of you will have included his name in your cards to us, but for those who haven’t yet completed this arduous Christmas task, please only address to myself and Roxanna (or even better, separate cards for each of us, but, I know times are hard, so whichever is easier…). I am sure, that from his bedsit, if he could, he would wish you all the best.

When Roxanna and I last spoke (about four months ago) she said she had joined the school netball team and was enjoying singing lessons with her teacher Mr Edwards. I would feel the same if I was her – he is one hot music teacher, but 20 years too young for me! I can’t give you any more recent updates, as she stays in her room most of the time and I only get in there to pick up her dirty laundry when she’s at school.

So, my big news: I have a new man in my life! And just as soon as he can leave his wife, he’s coming to me.

When my outside security light stopped working over the summer, I called an electrician. I thought I had better get it fixed before the nights drew in. So I called a local firm and in walked Nigel. I don’t know if it was the blue overalls, his dazzling smile or his skills with a screwdriver, but I knew then that this man would know exactly how I was wired! Sorry – I hope you aren’t showing your children this letter!

Nigel felt the same way – as I handed him a cheque (£40 – so, pretty good value too!) – our eyes met and I asked if he’d stay for a cup of tea.

One thing led to another – and he was also not getting much attention from his wife at home. I don’t know if it was the electricity between us (pun intended) or my custard creams, but we gave each other a look, he asked if anyone else was home, then we went upstairs. And I don’t mean to check the light fittings in my bedroom!

The trouble was that we got too carried away. In fact, I think I was on all fours holding on to the headboard, when Roxanna came home from school.

She was obviously worried about what was causing the screaming and banging and ran upstairs. We had no time to hide or cover up. I am still mortified at the memory of that moment. As she probably is too.

Obviously, with her being 16, there was no way we could pass it off as Nigel being a doctor and doing an internal examination, or a home-visiting yoga teacher showing me some alternative moves. And of course she told her dad at the first chance, despite me begging her not to and offering to buy her whatever she wanted.

So, my friends, this is where we are right now – Trevor left as soon as he could, but is not throwing me out of the house – because even though Roxanna hates me, this is her home.

Nigel pops round between jobs, but is still waiting for the right time to tell his wife – he thought it best to get Christmas out of the way. Roxanna and I will probably eat Christmas dinner in separate rooms, unless my mum comes over – then she’ll have to divide her time between us both, a bit like musical chairs.

Anyhow, I had better pop off now – I have some last minute lingerie shopping to do – I want to surprise Nigel next time he’s over…

Sorry if I have been a little too revealing here, but blame the festive sherry – I needed three glasses to find the courage to write this – wanted to keep up with tradition, even if everything else has changed.

I hope you all have a lovely Christmas and New Year

Love and best wishes from Cynthia Nooky-Hill

Why not try my blog? drunkenslutmum.co.uk

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