…”Am I wobbling a lot?”
I often think our whole lives are led by what we say – “I do”, “yes, I’ll take the job”, “Ok – I’ll put on the gimp mask”, “go on then – I’ll stay for another drink” etc. etc.
Drunken Slut Mum has many moments when she wishes that, rather than letting the words escape from her mouth, she had fallen down a big black hole. And there are occasions when there would be no shortage of volunteers to help push her into it.
There are times in life when one is on perfect form – when wit is at an all-time high and banter and timing are just perfect – a person is a gold standard, top notch version of themselves. It happened to DSM in her 27th year on a memorable walking holiday in Europe, which not only involved trekking up steep rocky hills, but also some extra-curricular activity with the guide… Every night we drank cheap local wine, which instead of making me sleepy and slurry, seemed to give me the super power of one-liners and a witty answer to any question I was asked. I sometimes wonder whatever happened to the thing that possessed me then, as it never returned.
This version of me could have really gone places. Unlike the early teenage me who daren’t even speak in front of boys, the student me who said ‘yes’ to almost everything and the last decade of me who has just committed gaffe after gaffe.
The times when the worst things escape have been either just before, just after or during sex.
Here’s a selection of my worst moments which broadly fit into one of these three categories:
- “Have you been circumcised?” on feeling someone’s particularly smooth end.
- “Are you sure you’re comfortable in that chair?” In a room full of half-asleep 17-year-olds after a party in a desperate attempt to get the guy I fancied into my sleeping bag. All the more desperate as everyone heard me and all he wanted was a quick fumble.
- “You have turned me into a swamp – a frog is going to jump out soon then Magwitch from Great Expectations” – At least if I was going to use a literary character I could have got the setting right. Magwitch emerged from the marshes while swamps were probably more common in Mark Twain books.
- “Vroom vroom” on top of man below while shaping his arms into motorbike handlebars. He looked a little confused, but then again it was my student days and other substances may have come into it.
- “That noise didn’t come from my bum – honest” – adding ‘honest’ only adds doubt and commenting on it at all only draws attention to it. Maybe a loud cough would have worked.
- “There’s a crack in the ceiling and did you remember to empty the kitchen bin before we came upstairs?” This shows how mundane this particular shag was but opens the debate on whether one should hold a normal conversation during sex or is this just an indication that the sex isn’t exciting enough to fully focus one’s attention? If you haven’t seen each other all day there’s sometimes a lot to catch up on…
- “Is it in?” One particularly disappointing evening in my early 20s.
- “You’re all sticky”. From the ‘Stating the Bleeding Obvious’ handbook.
Another thing that I have never understood is men wanting me to say certain things during sex like “tell me how much you want it” to which they want you to say something like “I really, really want it” or “I fucking want it now”. If you didn’t want it, you wouldn’t be doing it at all. Or “do you want me to fuck you” while they are actually doing it. Of course I bloody do – why am I sitting on your penis in the first place – oops, sorry, no – I just fell and landed on it while naked – thought I felt something hard poking into me.
This is a totally different thing to ‘talking dirty’ which on occasions can be very arousing, especially if you have spent the entire day with children trying your best not to do this.
On the whole, it’s good to talk, but there are also times when things are best left unsaid.
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