Column: Watch out, Santa!

Dear Santa (or would you prefer Santa Baby or maybe even SB),

I can’t say I’ve been an ‘awful good girl’ – I have probably been an awful bad girl for much of the time, or just plain awful…

But if you can see your way clear of rewarding me for some of the good things I’ve done, such as cleaning my teeth twice a day, always giving my kids breakfast and regular hugs and driving my mum to hospital, it would make my day.

I’m not asking for a lot, just a few simple things – a spare buzzy thing would be great. I don’t mean an electric toothbrush, but one of those special little devices ladies use to make them all juddery and tingly. I always worry that the one I’ve got will die at a crucial moment, so having one on standby would really help. Could your elves make me one in silver or pink?

Secondly, can you get a black satin blindfold that I can use for special grown up games and a lacy, boned special ladies’ dressing up outfit for me to put on while playing these games. I need to look the part and give my playmate something to think about.

Next on my list would be a night away somewhere with a four poster bed strong enough to tie something to it and a big bubbly bath. I wasn’t sure whether you did hotel rooms – not something you can fit on the old sleigh, but maybe being who you are means you can get special deals…

The other thing, SB, is that I have always been very curious about you – a man who has to get so much done in one night must have incredible stamina. How do you manage it and come home to Mrs Claus at the end of the night? I would love to come for a ride in your sleigh and find out!

I have never kissed a man with a long white beard and would be very curious to give it a try. So if you don’t have to rush back to Mrs Claus at the end of the night, you know where I am…

So SB, what are the chances of any of the above? Shall I leave out a big woolly stocking or one of my silky lace-topped ones? I will also leave my bedroom door slightly ajar and try to be a good girl for the next few days.

Yours in anticipation

DSM xxx

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