Features: Daisy Chain With Dumb Domme by GirlontheNet

DumbDommeWhen Cliterati first started, there were very few people – particularly women – writing about sex on the internet. Now, there’s an abundance of sex bloggers. But who should you read? We didn’t think it was fair for us to decide on our own but wanted to help expose (ahem) the best sex bloggers around. And so, we are asking our favourite sex bloggers to interview their favourite sex bloggers, in a similar way to Chain Reaction on Radio 4. Kickstarting ‘Daisy Chain’ was GirlOntheNet, who summarises her site as “All the ways I love fucking.” and is interviewed here. She has, in turn, interviewed Dumb Domme. The Daisy Chain has started…
I’ve been reading DumbDomme’s blog ever since I first snort-laughed at one of her hilarious Q+As, and since then I’ve developed a kind of at-a-distance writer’s crush on her. Through her horny (and often incredibly moving) stories about dominance within her own relationships, to some no-nonsense takedowns of judgmental sexual attitudes, DD’s blog both reflects a lot of my own opinions, and influences a whole set of new ones on topics I’d never considered. She describes her site as ‘the intersection of femdom, fuck and fail’ and I suspect one of the reasons I’m drawn to it is that she applies the same rigorous honesty to her failures as she does to her successes. All this combines to make her a pretty fascinating person, as well as one of my favourite bloggers, and if I had the choice to take any sex blogger out for a drink it’d be DD. Sadly we’re oceans apart, so instead of buying her whisky, I sent her through some questions for Daisy Chain…

How would you describe your site in two sentences or less?

Half personal diary of a dominant woman’s (mis)adventures in BDSM, sex, and relationships; half response to issues, news, and reader questions about sexuality, gender, and D/s; and half ball-busting, stupid-smashing, and fun-poking at the assumptions and institutions we hold dear. Yes, my blog has three halves — it’s awesomeness can’t be contained in just two.

And in six words?

Do you mean six adjectives? Or a six-word sentence? Do articles count? Do contractions count as one word or two? What about an ampersand — since it’s a logogram, it doesn’t count as a word, right?

Fuck. This is hard, and brevity isn’t one of my strengths.

Is it cheating if I just modify my tagline?: “The intersection of femdom, fuck, & fail.” Or maybe I should go with “Not dumb — please ignore blog title.”

You’ve been blogging since 2011 – how do you think your writing about or attitude to sex/dominance has evolved since you started?

I’m not sure my attitudes toward sex and dominance have changed, but maybe my approach to how and what I write has. I feel more confident and more willing to share my thoughts now than I did a few years ago. In part, it’s because I’m more comfortable with what’s going on in my head and my body, and also, because I’m more aware of what’s happening in my relationships and in the world around me.

While I’ve always been extremely introspective (if there were a navel-gazing competition, I’d win a gold medal), in the past year or so, I’ve been more interested in engaging political, cultural, and social issues (which entails looking at other people’s navels, and that’s been a nice change of pace).

[This is quite a long question, sorry!] One of the things I love about your blog is that you sniff out bullshit and call people on it, often where they’d previously been relatively complacent (I’m thinking here of your awesome blog on Jian Ghomeshi, as well as many of your posts on e.g. feminism and D/s). What are the most common assumptions/asshole attitudes you come across when you’re writing, and which would you most like to smash into a million tiny pieces?

You give me too much credit (but I’ll take it!). I don’t mean to “sniff out bullshit,” but when I accidentally run across it, I can’t help but react and often respond in writing. It’s a hard question, though, because the most common assumptions/attitudes aren’t necessarily the ones that irk me the most.

I guess the attitude/assumption that hits the (un)happy medium between common and awful is the idea that women exist to fulfill men’s desires. The number of men who email me to ask how they can secretly “turn” their wives or girlfriends into Dommes is both mind-blowing and heartbreaking. Male partners don’t think to ask (or don’t want to ask) their female partners if they’d be into it, but instead, the men want advice on how to reprogram their wives and girlfriends in order to fulfill their own submissive fantasies.

Of course, the idea that women exist to please men takes many forms and expressions. I was honestly surprised when a long time male reader wrote me a sincere and well-intentioned email with disturbingly detailed advice about how I should order a martini when I’m on a date if I want to impress a man. Not only was it ridiculously sexist (I order what I want because I want it), but it was also really bad advice (gently tonguing olives at a restaurant is neither sexy nor is it acceptable table manners).

Let’s say you get three wishes for 2015 – one for you personally, one for your blog, and one for the world at large. What are your wishes?

Unfortunately, after a labor dispute and a series of terrible performance evaluations, I had to fire my wish-granting genie (he wanted a bigger lamp, I wanted more wishes), so I’ll tell you my goals instead.

Personally: In my career, there’s a brass ring I’ve been working towards, stretching for, and jumping at for years. It’s almost in reach, and I hope to catch it this year.

For the Blog: I want to be less precious about my writing (I have a tendency toward perfectionism coupled with a gripping fear of being misunderstood). I’d also like to get back to my irreverent (and inaccurate) BDSM Lexicon, perhaps expanding it to a general Sex Lexicon. A Sexicon… a Slexicon? A Sexy Lexi(con). Obviously, I’m still working on the name.

For the World at Large: Ok, this one is a wish — chill the fuck out, world. Everyone deserves human rights, respect, and happiness. If that can’t happen, I think we should all get a puppy and a bottle of rum.

Who will you be interviewing for Daisy Chain and why?

I’m thrilled to interview Submissive Guy Comics. Not only is SGC a ridiculously talented artist, but he’s also thoughtful, funny, and sweet. His comics depict D/s relationships as we want them to be (sexy, romantic, intimate, and happy), but also, as they really are(sometimes mundane, often imperfect, and occasionally heartbreaking).

Dumb Domme was interviewed by GirlontheNet, who is in turn interviewed here. Read more of Dumb Domme’s work on her site.

Read Girl on the Net‘s fab writing, including our favourite ever sex toy review, of the fabulous Doxy Massager, which features an audio guide along with her brilliant words.Better yet, buy her book, My Not-So-Shameful Sex Secrets here.

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2 comments Submit a comment
  • Orinin commented on January 21, 2015 at 04:05

    Emily and Cliterati, in this post’s URL, Dumb Domme’s name/pseudonym is mistakenly appearing as ‘dumme’ (instead of ‘dumb’). I’m sure DD would appreciate a correction.

    Also, thank you for hosting these ‘Daisy Chain’ features! I’m already a big honking fanboy of Dumb Domme and Submissive Guy Comics. I looking forward to reading GirlontheNet and checking out other (new to me) bloggers.

  • Thanks very much. In order to change the page title, I’d need to delete this post and post it again, which would lose the comment. I’ll check whether it’s an issue with DD and if she’d rather lose the comment or keep it as it is – the error’s only in the URL not the story so hopefully shouldn’t be a prob. Glad to hear you’re enjoying the feature – thanks for posting x

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