I used to have vivid, theatrical fantasies with casts of thousands and complex scenarios Now, it is simpler. That is not to say that the fantasies are any less depraved or exploratory: but at the heart of my desire now lies intimacy.
Where once the idea of an orgiastic anonymous crowd made me wet, now I find my mind drawn to more intense, personal fantasies: not about a list of sex acts to be worked through but instead seeing that look in someone’s eyes; relinquishing that boundary; admitting that vulnerability. These are not things that come quickly. Once, they would have done: I wore my sluttery on my sleeve, owning it as a label, ‘reclaiming’ the word while I gave my body away – in order to take it back for myself from the one who first stole it from me.
I have long let him into my sex life, but now my past feels washed clear. I am ready to start anew, free from baggage, sure of what I want, content in the fluid path it is taking, knowing I am going in the right direction if not entirely grounded yet.
I do not want to add to my instability with a half-thought-out body-rubbing that could lead to infections or pregnancy I do not want the drama of accidentally engaging someone’s emotions in a bid to replace the intimacy I am losing with my ex.
I know I crave love of the long term relationship kind: the arms to sink into, the listening ear – even if that was not really there, at least not in the way I thought it was. At the moment, I am nostalgic for the time spent with my ex. It is unsurprising. We have been living together and, while we haven’t been together for almost a year, at least technically, we have been intimate much more recently. Moving away from him is stepping away from a form of stability – even if it did come with its own instability-inspiring issues too.
For now, I am safest limiting my sex play to my mind. My imagination is more than vivid enough to satisfy my ever-changing desires faster than anyone else could bee expected to in reality. I need to let my mind play through the options, try wandering around now it is finally free before I settle on any action. I have healing to do. I need to adjust to my new home. I am not looking for a way to fill the time – there is already too much to fit in: an advantage of being a workaholic – it fills the loneliness.
But I do not want to become fully workaholic again. It has almost killed me once. I am not going to let it do so again. Instead, I take time off to dream: to imagine the sex I will have. It is not an act but a moment, when we catch eyes and know we are seeing into each other. My ex was the first person I experienced it with truly.
I hope I get to experience it again.
Read Part One of Spring Awakening
Read Part Two of Spring Awakening
Read Part Three of Spring Awakening
Read Part Five of Spring Awakening
Read Part Six of Spring Awakening
Read Part Seven of Spring Awakening
Read Part Eight of Spring Awakening