Sexually Cliterate: Sub/Dom Basics

When it comes to submission there are various fun ways to explore it. If you’re only mildly curious about indulging your submissive side, it may be best to start with non-physical submission and only up the ante once you’ve got used to the psychological effects that submission can bring. While some people feel elated and energised about relinquishing control, others find it distressing or simply plain dull so don’t think that you’re guaranteed to enjoy it. However, if you do discover you’ve got a dormant submissive side – which a huge amount of men and women do – there are numerous ways to play with it.

At the mildest level is sub/Dom dirty talk. This could entail nothing more than being called humiliating names such as whore, worm, slut, bastard or ‘subby’ (a derogatory term for submissive). Alternatively, you can get into a narrative and go into more details: for example, “You’re such a subby little slut that I bet you’d love to have my cock in your mouth but I’m not going to let you have it. You’re going to have to beg me for it before I deign to let you suck me. And even then I might refuse.”; or “You pathetic worm. Call that a cock? I can see you getting hard but don’t think it’s coming anywhere near me – you’re not worthy. If you’re really good maybe I’ll let you touch yourself but you’d better not come anywhere near me or there’s going to be trouble.” This can be used alone – you’d be surprised how much of a turn on it can be for a submissive having someone whisper filth in their ear when their at a party with friends and unable to do anything about their arousal – or while you’re having sex.

If you go for the latter, you may decide to actually do the things that are being talked about. While this could be as simple as having rough doggy style sex, while talking about how much the woman loves it hard and deep, or sitting on a man’s face and grinding off against his lips and nose so that his breathing is stifled, you can also incorporate slightly crueller aspects into your play. These could include hair pulling, face slapping (never strike anywhere near the ear though as this can pop someone’s ear drum), breast slapping, genital slapping (go gently and remove any rings), biting, scratching or ‘making’ a partner take large or multiple sex toys inside them, or have anal sex.

Even though you’re simulating doing things against your partner’s will, you should never make them do anything that they don’t enjoy. And if you use anal sex as ‘punishment’ you should still follow the standard anal sex rules of starting slowly and gently and using lots of lubricant as otherwise you could cause rips to the anus. However, you can still incorporate humiliation into loving anal sex, in a sub/Dom scene. You might start off by performing analingus on your partner (through a dental dam to avoid getting nasty diseases. Even if you’ve both had full STI tests you can still get E-coli and other unpleasant things from unprotected rimming) and tell them what a cheap whore or pathetic worm they are for loving having their arse licked. A woman could take a man with a strap on because he ‘only deserves to be taken like a woman’ (yes, that has faint misogynist overtones but it is a woman taking a man up the arse so all in all, it balances) or either partner could pretend that they’re only having anal sex with their partner because they don’t want to give them any pleasure.

Of course, submission doesn’t just have to take place while you’re actually having sex. If you decide that you’d like to play with the idea in other ways, wearing a partner’s choice of outfit is a good place to start. The collar is the classic slave item of clothing, signifying that the ‘slave’ is ‘owned’ by their partner. These come in numerous varieties from pink fake fur-lined leatherette to intimidating-looking spiked metal collars.

However, you don’t have to wear a collar to show your devotion to your Master or Mistress. You could do something as simple as wearing underwear of your partner’s choice. Ramping things up a gear, you might go out wearing a short skirt with no underwear, get dressed up in drag (which can work equally well for women as men – see 9 ½ Weeks for a hot example) or wearing a cock ring under your jeans (however, never wear a cock ring for more than an hour as it can cause damage).

At the more extreme end of the spectrum you could even wear a chastity device. These are available for both men and women and vary in level of extremity. Some completely cover the genitals while others allow very limited access, or come complete with a butt plug or dildo attachment. The Dom/me then decides exactly how long their partner should be chaste for, and may choose to make things harder for their partner by talking dirty or masturbating in front of them, knowing that it will probably be exquisite agony for the ‘slave’ as they can’t get any satisfaction. In extreme cases, you can even get cock cages with spikes inside them that dig into a man every time he gets an erection, or attach a lock to appropriate genital piercings – but those  ideas are both best left to extreme players only!

Even if only playing at the mildest level, make sure you have your safe word in place – a word you wouldn’t usually use during sex that means ‘stop immediately’. Many people use the traffic light system, with red meaning stop and green meaning carry on – as some people like using ‘no’ as a word in part of their play. However, unless you have agreed this and have a safe word in place, it’s always best to assume that no means no.

[Extract Taken from Friendly Fetish: The Beginner’s Guide to Kink]

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