Things that make you go ‘Ew!’

Things that make one shudder with horror and wretch in disgust should probably be the subject of a Halloween post, but hey-ho – I’ve never been one for meticulous organisation and timing. I am a reasonably tolerant person and try to see past little imperfections in my ‘gentlemen callers’. After all, I am not perfect,

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Column: Chilli is a drag

As I stirred the chilli con carne for tonight’s tea, watching the wooden spoon slide through the brown gloop, my thoughts turned again to Perforated Pete. This was the cause of our end. Chilli con carne. Well, at least a contributory factor. After our sneaky graduation night intermingling, I was keen to have at least

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Column: Bachelor of tarts

It’s a day of pride for many people – dressing up in a gown, hood and mortar board, walking up on the stage and collecting a rolled up piece of paper from a local dignitary. Family and friends applaud with pride and you usually have a formal gathering to raise a glass to your success

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Column: When the music’s over

Ever wondered what it would be like to have one of your favourite things snatched away from you for good, never to be seen ever again? In my current ‘famine’ period, this enters my mind every day. I have explored/wittered on these pages about sex in old age and pondered on how to cope with

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Column: Teenage dream?

“No, I don’t want it there,” I wailed, standing up in the bath and looking down at myself. “I want it to go away!” I was about 12-years-old and my mum and popped into the room while I was having a bath and helpfully pointed out that I had started growing my first few strands

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After dinner

The Man and I exchanged surreptitious glances over our bowls of soup, fizzing with excitement over what may or may not happen later on in the evening. There were two other friends at the table, who knew nothing of our secret alliance. As far as they and anyone else were concerned, we were just a

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Barry and Sandra: The Christmas Special – Part 2

The ‘disco’ part of the evening was well underway and even a few of the women from Sandra’s office had taken to the dance floor, swinging their hips and side-stepping to the usual recycled party tunes, such as The Time Warp, Birdy Song and Oops Upside Your Head. Sandra and Stacy continued to grimace at

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Barry and Sandra: The Christmas Special – Part 1

Sandra stands sideways in front of the mirror and sucks in her stomach. She has a slight belly pouch despite wearing her best ‘control’ pants. But still, her black sparkly dress with a floaty skirt looks pretty good. She has just had her roots done and her hair looks soft and shiny. As she puts

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Celluloid or cellulite – part 3: The end of it?

Sandra has been feeling closer to Barry as they have enjoyed their little interludes together – even if it means a quick one when they have both managed to snatch half a day off work, or Barry has snuck into Sandra’s for a quick beer and crisps after her kids have gone to bed. In

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Quick on the drawer(s)

Briefs, bikinis, low-rise, high legs, shorts, French, control, thongs, and even ‘magic’ ones; is there any limit to the number of types of knickers available to us ladies? Walking into any well-known purveyor of panties and the choice is baffling. I have to ask myself whether I want to be high legged, but low rise

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When I see you next

When I see you next…don’t make me wait; let’s not eat, drink and talk for three hours. Save that for afterwards. When I see you next… I want you ready for me, but fully clothed. I will walk through the door, kiss you slowly, taste you, drink you in. Our embrace will last long enough

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Skip to the good bits

Ladies, we may knock things over, break wind, cough, sneeze or have a wobbly belly, but we all have a bad habit of focusing on the bad. Celebrate your good bits – here are mine: Lots of squashy bits: Let’s face it – you are not going to get a really good cuddle from a

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Blame it on the body

I sometimes think my body is a separate being, detached from whatever else is left of me – sitting in the corner of the room or perched on a bookshelf, laughing at me or sticking up two fingers. With the number of times it lets me down or humiliates me, I can only conclude that

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Teardrop

He presses his body against her, his chest against hers and she feels his heartbeat drumming hard. He has just climaxed inside her and is suspended in post-coital exhaustion. She holds him tightly and buries her face in his shoulder as the warm tear water starts to fill the rims of her eyes. She tries

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Waiting

I look out of the window for the umpteenth time at the same time as reprimanding myself for doing so; I know standing at the window doesn’t make anyone arrive sooner, but I still do it and have done it since I was tall enough to see out. Waiting for someone to arrive doesn’t get

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Do you remember the first time?

I was very prim and proper about sex, believing it to be a special, sacred thing… when I was 16. This may seem a shock coming from a self-confessed, slightly tipsy, slapper and bearer of two children. But yes, readers, at the age of 16, I declared to my friends that I was definitely not

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Shoot that poison arrow

So, ladies – I can only do this one from a female perspective, but hang on in there, chaps, you might learn something. Ahem… So, ladies, you have identified your target, but how do you achieve a direct hit? How do you ensure the object of your desire is struck by your ‘l want you’

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Celluloid or cellulite – part 2: The Dirty Weekend

I got a little attached to our friends, Barry and Sandra and their unrealistic movie couple counterparts, Benedict and Rosetta. So they are back for a sequel. Benedict and Rosetta have been billing and cooing in perfect harmony for some time now, in the fantasy ‘set’ of pastel walls, cream carpets and colour-co-ordinated outfits so

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Columns: A fan(ny) for all seasons

Those of you who live in warmer climes (I know I have at least one Australian reader) will have to forgive my indulgence this week. Warm weather in the UK is so rare that people act oddly at the slightest sniff of sunshine, ripping their clothes off, jumping into rivers even when they are too

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Columns: A many splendored thing

I can count on one hand how many times it has happened to me – well, actually three fingers of one hand. But for some people, all their fingers and toes may not be enough, while for others a big fat fist of zero says it all. A simple, probably unoriginal comment on one of

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Columns: Manual controls

The air is still, hanging with expectation. It is a hot, humid night – the kind where it is hard to settle, relax, sleep. I lie on my bed, just out of the shower, but already feeling beads of sweat starting to form down my back and under my breasts. I run my hands over

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Columns: The naked barman*

I stood in the doorway of the shabby ground floor apartment, aghast – firstly at the stack of clear packages in the bathroom which contained an illegal white powder – then at the naked Mediterranean man reclining on the bed, beckoning me to join him. It was the very early 1990s, I had only just

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Columns: Celluloid or cellulite?

Whether it’s Hollywood, Pinewood or even Cricklewood, it always baffles me as to why the two leading characters on the silver or small screen* are so unconvincing when they end up horizontal ski-ing. The thing they are doing together is not the ‘bonkery’ of regular human beings, such as you or I (or maybe I

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Columns: The might-haves and what-ifs

You are in the queue at one of those discount bakeries and there is only one thing on your mind. It stares out from the glass case, almost saying “look at me, I am so delicious and you want me, don’t you?” It’s the last chocolate éclair. You are almost at the front of the queue

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