Columns: Dirty stop out

Your eyes open, you start to come round and it suddenly hits you that you are not in your own bed – the sheets smell different and the pictures on the wall are alien – and who is this person snoring next to you? It may be the first (and last) time you have woken

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Columns: School’s out

“You have ten minutes to label the male sex organs,” I remember my Biology teacher telling our class of giddy 13 and 14-year-old girls. I also recall that we were tested the previous lesson on our knowledge of female sex organs and that I scored eight out of ten for my lady bits diagram and

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Columns: Touch me there

So, I have covered the penis and the nipple. Any idea where I’m going today? It’s probably on the tip of your tongue – you can’t quite put your finger on it… This week, I thought I would take a journey ‘down under’.  The word ‘clitoris’ is apparently also Greek for key and is seen as

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To avoid disappointment..

There are two types of angry teachers – the ones who shout and rage and the ones who tell you they are very disappointed in you. The shouty ones tend to have the impact of striking a match – their spark of rage is strong and bright, but it fizzles out quickly while the disappointed

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Oops! I did it again

When I was about five and on holiday with my family in the Lake District I fell, bottom first, into a puddle. I can still vaguely recall everyone around me laughing. I also sneezed so violently at a school concert that the entire row of children collapsed like dominoes and fell off my chair at

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Columns: Save it ’til the morning after

My eyes are closed, but I am drifting in that limbo place between sleeping and waking. I am not sure where I am until I feel something soft, wet and warm on my right breast, playfully nibbling and sucking. The stubble on his chin gently tickles me and I open my eyes to see The

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Columns: Silver fox versus young buck

‘Age before beauty’, ‘youth is wasted on the young’, ‘you can’t teach an old dog new tricks’, ‘youth’s a stuff will not endure’… etc. Is there no end to the number of things people have to say about youth and age. Following last week’s musings I am looking at whether it’s better to wind up with

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Age positive

It is the thing that strikes fear into most people, the thing we like to think will never happen to us. No, not getting to the supermarket checkout and realising you forgot your purse or leaving the toilet with your skirt tucked into the back of your knickers! I am talking about old age, the

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Columns: Hump the bump

Summer time at last – hot weather, everything growing lush and green, many of us getting in the mood for some steamy action. And sometimes our carefree moods mean seeds are planted inside as well as out and something much bigger grows within… And if you are worried that again I’m straying into mum and

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Columns: Not on the same page?

So you’re having fun in a no-strings, explosive sex type of situation and everything is tickety-boo. Or is it? Well, it was for the first few months – it was great getting those naughty texts and smiling to yourself at the saucy secrets you both shared. But there has gradually been a shift, a cloak

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Columns: Teat total

They are the focus of nibbling, twiddling, squeezing and clamping. They also act has barometers, provide food and can be very sexy. Aren’t nipples amazing? The majority of men focus their attention on them after you have passed ‘second base’ in your affections and will at first tentatively slide their hands up your top or

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Columns: A pubic inconvenience?

It is usually coarse and wiry, looks like a pet ferret, sticks out like spiders’ legs from under bikini bottoms and knicker legs and gets stuck in ones teeth at passionate moments… So why would anyone want pubic hair? It seems that no one these days does want it, including the men. There’s all-off waxing,

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Columns: For pity’s sake

The Man took pity on my ‘no action’ lament last week and put me out of my misery. “Poor old bint,” he must have thought. “Stuck at home with no one else to look after her kids. I’ll pop round and do my good turn for the day.” So there I was watching TV on

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Not been getting any lately

Lately, I have been going without – without food, without sex, without much alcohol. “Is there a point to life at all, then?” I hear you ask, and: “Shouldn’t you just be boring old ‘mum’ instead of Drunken Slut Mum, in that case?” Don’t worry, readers, I haven’t joined some kind of a strict religious

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I’m talking pants

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a man in possession of his vital parts must be in want of a good pair of undercrackers… And that’s about as close to Jane Austin as I like to get. So, David Beckham is popping up in commercial breaks showing off his perfectly formed physique in a

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Columns: *Rubbing him up the wrong way

Even though I am a self-confessed slapper, there are many things I still haven’t mastered and perhaps never will. Hand jobs are another of sex’s great mysteries, not helped by the fact that all men want it done differently. How someone wants their penis rubbed can vary as much as how their take their tea,

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Columns: If you can stand the heat, stay in the kitchen

The kitchen is steamy and the windows are opaque with condensation. Two pans bubble on the hob – one with a winter stew, the other with vegetable soup. Even though it’s cold and damp outside the room is warm with activity and my excited heart-thumping anticipation. I shuffle around the table straightening cutlery as I

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Surrender your weapon

“Baby, it’s cold outside,” sings Tom Jones in his throaty, soulful tones to a rather breathless Cerys Matthews as they flirt and tease through the classic song. And it certainly is a touch chilly for this time of year, but I am not here to discuss the weather – that would only disappoint you. But

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In an empty room

The Man has been working day and night fixing, cleaning, redecorating and restoring an old house. It is dusty, bare and there is no furniture. He is dishevelled and tired, wearing paint-splattered clothes and probably has splinters and flakes of paint up his nails. But still, he retains the inner glow and magnetism that leaves

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Trying it on for size

If there is a sure-fire way to shatter the dregs of one’s self-esteem, it has to be trying on a pile of clothes in various shop changing rooms. Think you are getting a little too self-assured and big for your boots? Try going into a tiny cubicle with three-way mirrors and harsh lighting to magnify

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A trip down memory lane or Fanny Alley

This week DSM is feeling nostalgic and going back in time, so fancy a ride in my time machine?. Today I am looking a long way back to days of innocence, when sex was something everyone else seemed to be doing. In fact there are times, in drought periods, when I still think this is

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My back door is jammed

Or, why am I so rubbish at anal sex? So, in my last post I confidently gave top tips on how to be a Drunken Slut Mum. But there are some things that I still can’t figure out – in particular, anal sex. I have never learnt how to get this right or how to

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Columns: Eight top tips

So, you have read about my adventures and are now thinking: “I’d like a piece of this. How do I become a Drunken Slut Mum? Show me the way!” Look no further – here are eight top tips: 1. Keep your (lady) garden tidy In the 1990s it was acceptable to have a big bush

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Any other business

The day got off to its usual slow, frustrating start – the 20-month-old dawdled over his toast, throwing it on the floor when he decided he’d had enough. The seven-year-old had also let breakfast drag out, gazing at a magazine and occasionally shovelling chocolate cereal into her mouth. After running up and downstairs several times

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