Although I consider myself to be an open-minded, adventurous person, I am in that most conventional of conventional things: a "monogamous" relationship. Does this make me a hypocrite, old-fashioned, or, worst of all, boring as hell? I like to think not.

You see, I have tried lots of different ways of having a relationship in the past, and I have come back to this as the one that works best. This does not mean that I think my partner is perfect and can give me everything I "need" (come back to that "need" later). Nor do we stop fancying other people. The fact is, nobody can have 100 per cent of what they want, whether they try to get it from 10 people or just the one.

I was in a relationship at university, where every time I got fed up with my partner, I fucked someone else. I had intellectual boyfriends, bits-of-rough, men who did wonders for my social life, and even some who were a treat between the sheets. But I was still unhappy. I wanted to get all things from one man, and when I didn't get it, I went elsewhere. I would have been better off facing the fact that nobody is perfect, the romantic ideal just doesn't exist.

Agreeing to break the monotony of monogamy means you agree that sex is sex and love is love, easily separated, as my student boyfriend and I did. We had the arrogance to assume that neither of us would find someone we liked more (we did), and the thoughtlessness to think that those we slept with for fun didn't mind being used (they did).

Sex and love are not easily separated, nor should they be. If you find it easy to forget about love when you fantasise, then you have spotted the fundamental difference between reality and fantasy, not sex and love. For instance: back when I was single, I had lustful cravings for a long time for a man I knew, when he made me an offer I couldn't refuse. It was only when I realised the true status of his "ex" girlfriend - they had an open relationship - that my lust turned to a particularly painful and pointless love. Emotionally spoken for, it had indeed been simple for him to have his jollies and discard me, but it was not so easy for me to forget him.

Even under the apparently restrictive rules of a monogamous relationship, you can still have fun. My partner and I tell each other our fantasies, admit it if we might fancy other people, and generally have a good time. Freud said that everyone is capable of making a homosexual choice, and had in fact already done so unconsciously. What he was saying, if you believe him, was that people relate in a sexual way to others, whether or not they are aware of it. Not all of these thoughts are ever, or should ever, be acted on.

Everyone is unique, and so is every relationship, and what works for some is not ideal for others. It's just that when it comes down to it, I would rather be with someone who I don't have to share. Let fantasies stay that way, it's much more fun.